did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
