I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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