I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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