I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
