We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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