Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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