I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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