this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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