Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
