I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
