Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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