Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
