i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
