remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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