a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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