Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
