Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
