drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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