porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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