I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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