I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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