just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
