all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
