my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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