I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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