Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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