i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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