you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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