i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
