My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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