just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
