Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
