I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
