Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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