Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
