Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
