sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
