I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
