they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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