69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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