Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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