i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
