I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
