I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
