end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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