Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can feel your judgement through the phone
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
