I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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