dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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