And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
