I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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