just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm jealous of your bromance
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
